This is what my second hour science class sounded like this morning as we watched part of a fascinating BBC documentary about human and animal relationsips, “Lifesense.”
I had no idea that a human penis would sneak in this documentary. The teacher I was filling in for gave me no warning that an otherwise fascinating documentary showing close-ups of blood-sucking bed bugs, ticks, fleas and tapeworms would also show 90-seconds of darkened frontal male nudity in the form of an Indian Jain monk walking naked down an Indian village road. He was walking slowly, while scaring off poisonous centipedes eager to bite his naked, skinny feet with a long whisking broom. He was replicating an ancient Indian tradition that has its beginnings in ancient Indian religions.
I was totally mortified. I had fears of fundamental Christian parents calling the school and complaining about eight graders being exposed to pornography. Funny, how so many parents don’t seem interested in their child’s education unless there’s a penis involved.
And it doesn’t matter that one could hardly see this little—and it was!—penis. Never mind that the photography was from a distant angle. I looked up briefly at the screen and only saw dark-on-dark. There was no detail, no close-up and nothing offensive about it. I could barely discern an outline of a penis-testicles package. With a fleeting glance it looked more like the monk was wearing Speedos made in Thailand.
Except that whatever was possibly dangling as the naked monk walked toward the camera was a human penis.
The girls screamed, the boys laughed and I tried frantically to fast-forward the clip until we got to the part about the meat-eating turtles of India.
The girls and boys quickly calmed down when more exciting parts of the documentary came on the screen: Buddhist monks sitting yoga-style in India with rats crawling all over them. Rats have some of the largest testicles of any living mammal, when one figures in the size of the testicles to the rest of the rat’s body. I mean, we’re talking about a mammal whose testicles drag on the ground, they are so huge.
The rest of the hour went smoothly. Soon the girls forgot about the penis and got grossed out about the blood-sucking ticks, bedbugs and head lice.
By the second hour I knew that it was best to fast-forward through the scene. The only problem was I was a little clumsy with the DVD player's knobs. As the naked monk appeared on the screen my first reaction was to stand in front of the screen to physically block out the nudity, much to the laughter of the more vocal students. A few comedic facial gestures and Chaplinesque movements made for, I'm sure, great entertainment.
Third hour went better. The kids, however, didn’t forget. Word spread across school campus during lunch that “Ms G” was showing a penis in science class. If there are three effective modes of communication in school, it’s telephone, telegram and tell-a-kid. I’m sure kids’ cellphones were busy during lunch calling parents of the shocking news.
“Are we going to see a penis?” asked me one grinning boy after lunch as he entered the classroom. I felt like slapping him.
“No,” I replied curtly. I had perfected my fast-forwarding skills on the player by now.
I had gotten so good at fast-forwarding through the offensive part of the documentary that my sixth hour students didn’t even notice the mild censorship. These kids were more interested flirting with each other in the back of the room than paying attention to naked monks or blood-sucking insects. Threatening to break up the chatty crowd did the trick, although there was one boy who thought it was cool to stand up and show off his low-hanging pants, revealing stripped boxer shorts as he barely could walk back to his assigned seat.
He gave me a mean look letting me know I disrespected him and that I was going to pay for this. He sat down at this seat but for the rest of the hour he glared at me.
He was, shall I say, being a dick.
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